Striked

"Mahirap magbago..."
That is the thing that I have told myself awhile ago. I was depressed because I felt very irresponsible. I came to school late because I can't find my I.D. Alam kong mababaw ang dahilan, pero naiinis pa rin ako sa sarili ko. I don't know if it's just because it is the Monday and I should have find my I.D during the weekend.

I never felt sad about not accomplishing a Math homework or not submitting a Filipino life line or understanding Chemistry/Math (again). I did not care about those. I never thought I was irresponsible that time. But awhile ago -- it was just SO frustrating. It's so funny how that SMALL thing striked me. Talagang sa PINAKA mababaw pa na dahilan ako magigising na "ay ang pangit ng ugali ko".

Maybe the reaction of my dad also counted for me to be depressed about it. He was waiting for me to find my I.D and he's scolding me about it. I can't do anything. I was so helpless. I can't answer back this time because it was TRUE. I finally realized that it was true -- that I am irresponsible. Now I see the HYPOCRITE inside of me when I write or say "i'm responsible".

I said that "It's hard to change" because I learned that I keep on promising I won't be irresponsible but I always am one.
And it's not just that matter. There are a lot of things I want to change in myself and only some are accomplised. Hindi ko naman sinasabi na wala akong bilib sa sarili ko na magbago. Sinasabi ko lang mahirap talaga -- nakasanayan ko na eh. So minsan, sasabihin ko nalang sa sarili ko -- ay pababayaan ko yan, kasi kung gawin ko yan, hindi na ako yan. Sinasabi ko yang reason na yan sa mama ko. Pabiro kong sinasabi pero siniseryoso ng mama ko. Well siguro naiintindihan ko na ngayon. Mali ako.

Upon going home, I thought of what can I do to make-up for what I think is wrong with me.
I thought that nobody can help me but myself.
What I can do is remember this feeling -- the feeling of sadness brought by my own mistake and do my best not to feel it again.

I talked to Angela, my classmate awhile ago. I told her I was sad because, yun nga, I feel irresponsible. She said that she knows the feeling. I believed her because she was also telling me one time that she felt sad and all (and I believe that she tells the truth. it shows). Acctually I had no reaction that moment. But now, I know what she feels. And that feeling is afrustrating one.

I won't forget it. If I do, it's like forgetting it because it brought me pain -- I'll remember it because it's FRUSTRATING and I KNOW I'LL BEAT THE FRUSTRATION OUT OF IF.

I won't do it again to myself.

*emo ba? di naman siguro. hohohohoho.*